Monday, August 16, 2010

I don't know where I'm going with this

I'm a bit down today. Feeling a bit sad making me a bit, a bit lazy is an understatement.... I wish I could just stay in bed and never woke up.

You know how I sometimes write in this blog, on how I felt to a certain person. How much I hate him (him, doesn't mean a guy, I'm being general, so no one could guess). Yup, I hate him to death! But me being me, doesn't matter how much I hate him, my heart is never strong enough. Let's say if he came one day, begging for forgiveness, I would undoubtedly, in a heartbeat, would just forgiven him. I don't want that to happen. I wanted to hate him till eternity. I'll be damn with myself if ever I did forgiven him for what he have done to me. So now, my only plan is never to see him anymore. Yup, Lamest plan ever. What if I somehow someday stumble upon him? Runaway? huh... Ignore him as he did ignore me before? Treat him as he did to me before? Curse him in front of his face as he did to me?

Yeh that. That is all my problem. I couldn't do it. I've told Dils before, that THAT is a curse to me. I couldn't be mean to people. I am not good at disappointing people. I'm too soft. Too fragile. When friends called me 'Pudding', I think that is an understatement. Poeple ask for help, I help. They ask to be forgiven, I forgive. People use me, I didn't even notice. Yeh, they take advantage. Of me being too nice. I'm sorry.

My friends say it is not a curse. They ask what is wrong with being nice. Well, try thinking that you couldn't be mad to people. Try thinking that your brain always tells you everyone have good intention. Try doing everything people ask you to do, because you just don't have the heart to say NO.

I am sick of being this way. but i couldn't help it. I always wonder,always thinking, how did everyone else do it? How can you stay mad? I though after what I've been through, that I would spit on his face if I see him, but instead, I wonder how he is doing now. Is he pregnant yet? Is he okay? How's Ramadhan?


That is why my only plan is never to see him again. Ini pon susah sangat nih. sebab sangat teringin nak jumpe dan bertanya khabar. Aku x kental hati. Terlalu mudah memaafkan. And he knows this. He knows me pretty well. That's why he treat me bad. But I have had enough.

I need people to remind me. To remind me what he had done. As I forget really easily. My two boyfriends knew about this. One contradict with the other. One wants me to forgive and be friends like before and the other hate him more than I do. But I? What do I want?

I have mix feeling here. Part of me wanted to forgive him, and part of me wanted to show my middle finger each time I hear his name. Uhuuuhuuhu... I don't know. Sometimes I wish that I never realise the bad things he did to me. Sometimes I wish that I never meet him.

Uhhhh... I don't know where I'm going with this. But for now, I'm crossing my finger not meet him at any occasion. Avoid him as much as I could. Because I know, my HATE for him, is starting to fade away. And I seriously don't want that to happen. This is the curse I'm talking about. Staying mad to a person that you should hate for the rest of your life. (Hey, If you know my story, you'll be dying to open a hate page in FB. No kidding..hehehe...)

I'm trying to be strong here. Tetapkan iman dan kentalkan semangat. Heh..membenci orang memang lah bukan sesuatu yang mulia. But who started it in the first place? He did... Memutuskan silaturrahim kerana tidak mahu dikenakan lagi (there, my attempt in justifying what I did. Okay right?)

Okaylah. Salam Ramadhan everyone. And have a good week.

And remember to kiss yourself goodnight for me.

I miss you too...

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